The Scariest
Halloween Costume Ever!
By Dave
Fox
Every year at Halloween, my friends have costume
parties, and every year, I insist on going to those parties
as myself.
"Where is your costume?" my friends
ask me, and I tell them costumes are for people who like
costumes. I am not of that tribe.
I'm not sure what turned me into a Halloween
Scrooge. When I was a child (which I no longer am, in spite
of rumors to the contrary), Halloween was my favorite holiday.
And I'm still pro-candy, but dressing up as a ghost, or
a monster, or the Dear Leader of North Korea, just doesn't
have the same appeal to me today as it did when I was five.
But this gets awkward. When you show up at
a Halloween party without a costume, people think you are
a loser and give you wedgies, which I am getting too old
to enjoy. So I have come up with a solution. This year,
I am still going as myself, only I am making a costume.
I am taking a picture of my face, printing it out, and making
a mask out of it.
This is an extremely versatile costume. For
example, my friends Austin and Patty are not only requiring
that everyone at their party wear a costume, but each year
they choose a theme, and this year's theme is superheroes.
So I am going as Superdave.
The awesome simplicity of the Superdave Costume
is that Superdave is so super, Superdave don't need no stinkin'
cape! All he needs is a beer in his hand and his super powers
are activated!
I know what you are thinking. You are thinking,
"Yeah, right! What super powers could you, Dave Fox,
mild-mannered travel geek, possibly have?"
Well, for starters, I can drink tall beers
in a single bound. But wait! There's more! My beer-guzzling
super powers are so super, I once prevented an airplane
from taking off.
It was a snowy, post-Christmas-holiday weekend
at O'Hare Airport, and I was flying back to Madison, Wisconsin,
where I was living at the time. My connecting flight had
been delayed so many times that I had consumed multiple
tall beers in a single bound at various adult beverage establishments
throughout the airport. Finally, it was time for my flight
to board, and although I needed one last trip to the men's
room, the gate agent was telling us to please hurry and
take our seats before they closed the airport again. Being
the mild-mannered travel geek that I am, I did what I was
told. I figured I could hold it another 20 minutes until
we were airborne.
I fastened my seatbelt and we taxied to the
runway. As we waited behind a long line of other aircraft,
my bladder began to swell. "Hold it, hold it, hold
it," I meditated. We had just three more aircraft in
front of us. Two more aircraft. One more aircraft. "Ten
more minutes before the seatbelt sign goes off," I
thought. "Hold it, hold it, hold it."
Then the pilot made an announcement. A very
bad announcement.
"Due to expected turbulence, we will
not be providing drink service on this flight. I am asking
all passengers and flight crew to remain seated for the
duration of the flight."
There comes a time in every superhero's life
when he really has to urinate. Really. I had two choices.
Disobey the captain or wet myself. I was young. I was tough.
I could handle being throttled against the lavatory walls
a lot better than I could handle the alternative embarrassment.
I concocted a plan. I would slither back to the bathroom
and relieve myself while we were taking off. The flight
crew wouldn't even know. It would be an adventure.
Complicating matters was the fact that I
was in a window seat. I looked at the two gentlemen next
to me. "I'm really sorry, but I need to get up,"
I said.
Apparently, my face was filled with superhero
charisma, because the two men did not argue. They dove out
of my way, realizing I was on a mission.
I hobbled toward the back, now in considerable
pain, when… curses! A flight attendant foiled my plan.
"You have to sit down!" she yelped. "We're
about to take off!"
But I, Superdave, was having none of that.
"This is an emergency, ma'am," I said. "Please
step aside."
As I stepped into the lavatory, the flight
attendant picked up the phone and called the captain. "I'll
tell him to wait," she said.
There is something intimidating about the
fact that two hundred airline passengers, who have already
been delayed several hours, are now being further delayed
because of your need to urinate. I don't quite know what
took over, but in spite of what was now an excruciating
pressure in my loins, nothing was happening. I stood there,
as guys do, but nothing would leave my body. The pressure
within me was no match for the external pressure of 200
irritated passengers hoping I would hurry up. I stood there
for a long, long time, knowing I could not return to my
seat before accomplishing my mission, because if I did,
the urgency was only going to grow worse once I sat down.
So I closed my eyes and did some superhero
deep-breathing exercises until finally, a great sense of
relief flowed out of me. Finally, I returned to my seat.
We took off and landed without further incident. At the
baggage claim in Madison, I could hear people talking about
me, asking each other, "Did you see that guy as he
flew down the aisle? His face was pretty red."
Just like the Incredible Hulk, only a different
color.
But here is the thing: Can you name one other
superhero in the history of the world who has ever stopped
an airplane from taking off… with his own urine?!?!
No! No, you cannot!
So I am going for Halloween this year as Superdave.
And I realized, my idea of creating a mask out of my own
photograph is so brilliant, everyone should do it! Even
you! Yes, you too should go trick-or-treating this year
as me! Which is why I am pleased to offer you, free of charge,
this Superdave Halloween Costume Kit. (Some assembly required.)
To create your Superdave costume, you will
need the following:
Once you have assembled these items, please
follow these instructions:
-
Print the photograph below. You may need to adjust
the scale of the photo to fit the size of your own head.
-
Cut out around the face part so it is the shape of
a mask.
-
Cut holes in each eyeball, and a small hole in the
mouth, large enough to insert a straw.
-
Snip your rubber band so it is just one long piece
of rubber. (Alternatively, an elastic band or a mangled
coat hanger will work.)
-
Staple the rubber band to the back of the mask —
one staple on each side, next to the ears.
-
Put the mask on your head in the usual mask-putting-on
manner.
-
Open the beer.
-
If you are not yet of legal drinking age, pour the
beer into an empty Coke can so you do not get in trouble.
-
Insert one end of the straw through the hole in the
mask's mouth.
-
Insert the other end of the straw through the hole
in the top of the beer bottle or can.
Congratulations! Your Superdave Halloween Costume is now
ready for use! Just please drink responsibly, and if you
need to fly anywhere, remember that after the aforementioned
airline incident, Superdave now always asks for an aisle
seat.
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