Bah Humball!

By Dave Fox

February 4, 2006

It's Superbowl Sunday tomorrow, which, for the benefit of my non-American readers, I must explain is an annual event in which people across America gather 'round their televisions to drink beer and yell at their televisions. While they are doing this, the people on their televisions are playing a game that we in America call "football," which is a game a little bit like the game the rest of the world calls "football," except that in American football, there is significantly less contact between the foot and the ball.

There are several theories as to why the American game is called "football," the two most common being that (1) the inventors of the sport were too lazy to come up with something original, or (2) the ball used in the American version of the game is actually shaped like a foot with a severe case of gout.

In researching this, I just googled the word "gout," and one of the "sponsored link" ads that came up said, "Looking for gout? Find exactly what you want today. www.eBay.com."

(Yes. It really said that.)

Being the responsible journalist that I am, I investigated further and searched for "gout" on eBay. Nineteen items came up, including a gay DVD from France, three footstools designed to relieve gout, a Limoges China basket, and a German cookbook.

But I digress.

Here in Seattle, people are extremely excited about tomorrow's Big Game because it is the first time in history the Seattle Seahawks have made it to the Superbowl. I have two thoughts on this matter:

1) Woohoo! Let's drink beer!

2) People! Calm down! It's only a game!

In response to the second of those two comments, crazed football fans are going to show up at my door in about seven minutes and beat the crap out of me. So it's been nice knowing y'all. If I do manage to fend them off with the footstool I have just purchased on eBay, I will give them the following reasons for my bad attitude about tomorrow's game:

1) After the Seahawks won the National Conference playoff two weekends ago, earning them the right to play in the Superbowl, I did my duty as an American and went straight to my local bar to drink beer. The news was on TV in the bar. One Seahawks fan actually said to a reporter, "This is the best day of my life."

The best day of your life?!?!

Dude, that is sad.

2) A report on the news this morning showed a church in Seattle holding a special service to pray for the Seahawks' victory.

Excuse me? Since when did God become a football referee? After Hurricane Katrina displaced basically the entire population of New Orleans a few months back, a few religious zealots came out and said God was punishing the people of that great city for their sins. I have a different theory as to why God allowed Hurricane Katrina to inflict such wrath. Maybe God is getting too distracted by people praying for things like football to keep track of all the hurricanes, starvation, and wars.

I don't mean to be a football scrooge. I will watch the game tomorrow with the rest of Seattle because it is my civic duty, and because I like beer. What nobody is thinking at this moment though is that 24 hours from now, the mood in Seattle will be either jubilant or severely depressed. Meanwhile, in Pittsburgh, the opposite reaction will be occurring. Potentially, one field goal or interception could profoundly alter the happiness or lack thereof in two entire cities. That's pretty weird.

I'm Taoist, and Taoists don't pray for football victories. We meditate. But not during the game, because beer and meditation do not mix well. So I won't be praying for Seattle to win. I will be yelling at the television along with everybody else, and if the Seahawks are victorious, I will celebrate by... oh, I don't know... maybe having another beer. But as Seattle prepares for an exciting day tomorrow, let's keep things in perspective. Remember this old saying: It matters not whether you win or lose, but how you orchestrate your wardrobe malfunction now that the halftime show will be broadcast on a pesky five-second delay.

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